Naomi recently had her 24 month check-up. I mentioned that she was still breastfeeding and the pediatrician laughed – I did not get the feeling it was in mockery, more in shock.
Some know it has been incredibly challenging for us – much more so than the struggles most endure those first few weeks or months (read “Sleepless Nights” or other blog entries for some background). But, I did not stick it out to be a martyr, in fact, I am not even sure why I kept at it. It was simply putting one foot in front of the other, one feeding after the next. It was knowing that she would benefit greatly from the nutrition, bond and oral development. I thought about quitting every feeding, but, I knew it would be harder to stop than to go. It is like driving half way to your destination before you realize you left your wallet at home . . . you may as well keep going.
I did not enjoy breastfeeding much, in fact my baby has probably had more formula than breastmilk in her life. Every solution offered ended in disappointment. Sure, there was some improvement with the various suggestions, but, there was no magic bullet for us – no instant fix.
I have been so angry some days I have literally shook from head to toe for hours. It is not fair. I researched and educated myself and as many people told me along the way, “did all the right things.” I see a thin baby and my heart stops beating and my blood drains to my feet. Nothing is worse than finding out after several weeks that your child was starving – thinking about that hurts.
However, I am not writing this to rant and complain. I am writing to encourage. Any breastfeeding relationship is beautiful. Ours is not perfect, never was and probably never will be…but, it is ours…and we love it. Sure we have hated feedings and even now there are feedings I dread the idea of her latching onto me, but, when I step back and look at the big picture it is so worth it.
I also want to encourage those struggling with poor milk transfer and/or low supply that even if it does not improve at all…ever, that it can be very worth sticking with it. I have found it so much less stressful since my daughter turned one and I did not feel I had to be her primary source of nutrition any longer. We breastfeed with a cup of water next to us, she happily suckles at the breast, taking water breaks. It is not conventional, certainly looks different than most, but, it works for us.
So to all of you mothers out there who are struggling for that perfect breastfeeding relationship, it is okay to keep trying to improve things, but, please recognize that you are doing an amazing job. You may be breastfeeding exclusively, pumping exclusively, breastfeeding with bottle top ups, breastfeeding with an SNS, any combination of the above or something else…and it may even change from day to day or feeding to feeding and that is OKAY! It is YOUR breastfeeding relationship…so beautiful and amazing.